So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
