im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Randomize
