Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize