if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
you had me at cake vodka
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
