I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
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I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.