I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
