Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
