he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
tonight lets celebrate not being married
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
