i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
