There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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