You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
40s are totally the cure
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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