Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
