i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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