its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
