Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
