its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
