Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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