I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
