i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm like, not good at living.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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