2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
