I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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