george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
