I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
