Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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