Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
