I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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