I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Is it because I queefed?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
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Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
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You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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