i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
