Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
