shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
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