Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
