It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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