So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
