My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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