I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
