I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
