Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
