Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
