The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
