I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
