last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit