you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
