After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
