sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
