If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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