Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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