I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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