dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
