Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
