I cut my penus on the lid.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
