Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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