just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
