i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
