We're facebook friends in real life
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
