Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
