I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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