using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
