i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
smell my finger.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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