Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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